Non-Hebraic
A’musing’ -- "Football Theology"
Just in time for the Super Bowl. From my perspective – The fans and players of both teams will be fervently praying and calling on, pleading with, God for their team to win. I picture Father God on His throne listening to all the conflicting requests; so He sits back, watching the game and saying “May the best team win.”
In
the spirit of good humor, a while ago I ran across a list of some rather wacky
definitions about football as it relates to the church. I wish I could remember
the source in order to thank them and give them credit. So be of good humor and enjoy "Football
Theology". These could be defined as "bad football and worse
theology."
Illegal Motion - leaving
before the benediction. Enjoy 71 more ‘daffy-nitions”.
1. Assistant Coaches—ministerial
staff and Sunday School teachers.
2. Bench Warmer—an inactive church member.
3. Blocking—standing in the church door complaining to the pastor about his morning sermon.
4. Cheerleaders—ladies complimenting the preacher on the sermon.
5. Clipping—what the church historian is always doing.
6. Commissioner—the person in charge of selling headbands during the annual bazaar.
7. Commissioner—the presiding bishop who may know more about football than he does "bishopping"
8. Cornerbacks—those who occupy the back pews.
9. Dead Heat—lukewarm church member waking up in the middle of a dynamic, colorful sermon on hell.
10. Draft Choice—decision to sit close to a heating vent in winter or an air conditioning vent in summer.
11. Draft Choice—beverage of your choice. (contributed by Lorne Boatman of Decatur, IL.)
12. Draw Play—what restless children do during a long sermon.
13. End Around—diaper changing time in the nursery.
14. End Run—a child who successfully escapes both parents and ushers on his way out of church.
15. End Zone—the pews.
16. Extra Point—what you receive when you tell the preacher the sermon was too short.
17. Face Mask—smiling and saying everything is fine when it isn't.
18. Fair Catch—holding the offering plate in front of each member until money is placed in it.
19. Fan Response—saying "Amen" to the sermon.
20. Field Goal—when Sunday School and worship attendance is above average.
21. Final Gun—the benediction.
22. Forward Motion—the invitation at an evangelistic service.
23. Fullback—what the choir, seated behind the preacher, sees while the sermon is delivered.
24. Fumble—a lousy sermon.
25. Ground Crew—custodians.
26. Guards—those who guard and defend the standards of the church because they cannot live up to them.
27. Halfback—what the choir sees if it is seated beside the preacher.
28. Halftime Entertainment—beautiful music presented during the offering.
29. Hash Marks—stains left on the tablecloth after a potluck.
30. Head Coach—the pastor.
31. Head Linesman—the one who changes the overhead projector transparencies.
32. Holding Penalty—result of church members who believe nothing can be done about anything.
33. Huddle—weekly meeting of the church gossip team.
34. Illegal Motion—leaving before the benediction.
35. Illegal Use of Hands—clapping at an inappropriate point in the service.
36. Incomplete Pass—a dropped offering plate.
37. In The Pocket—where too many church members keep God's tithe and their offerings.
38. Interference—talking during the prelude.
39. Interference—whispering and talking during the sermon.
40. Linebacker—a statistic used by a preacher to support a point just made.
41. Linebackers—church members who can stop any forward progress.
42. Linebackers—members who wait in line to back everything the official board does not approve.
43. National Anthem—the choir and congregation doing their best singing "Amazing Grace."
44. Nose Guard—a nursery worker during the flu season.
45. Pass Interference—what Mama does with her eyes when she sees Johnny writing a note to his friends in church.
46. Passing Game—what the ushers do with offering plates on Sunday morning.
47. Passing Game—the maneuver required of latecomers when the person sitting at the end of the pew won't slide to the middle.
48. Penalty—what the church gets when its members stay home.
49. Pep Talk—a poor excuse for a good sermon.
50. Pep Talk—the pastor exhorting the church.
51. Place Kicker—kicking in the right place at the right time.
52. Punt—what the pastor does when nothing else seems to work.
53. Quarterback—what tightwads want after putting fifty cents in the offering.
54. Quarterback—what members, who believe religion is free, want after putting 50 cents in the offering.
55. Quarterback Sack—the bag in which the ushers place the morning offering.
56. Quarterback Sneak—Sunday School teacher entering the building five minutes after Sunday School begins.
57. Referee—a nursery worker presiding over differences of opinion as to who was playing with the doll first.
58. Running Backs—those who make repeated trips to the rest room.
59. Running Backs—those who run out and back in several times during a worship service.
60. Safety—when the offering reaches budget level.
61. Scalping Tickets—people trying to buy their way into the kingdom of God.
62. Super Bowl Champion—a church doing the will of God.
63. Super Bowl Shuffle—the choir at its best on Super Bowl Sunday.
64. Tackle—when an alert usher does when a child is sneaking out of the service.
65. Three Point Stance—being present, on time, with your Bible in hand.
66. Through the Uprights—getting things done via the elders or church board.
67. Touchback—the laying on of hands.
68. Touchdown—when attendance and giving records are broken.
69. Two Minute Warning—the Chairman of the Board sitting on a front row pew, taking a look at his watch in full view of the preacher.
70. Umpire—an elder who presides over a church squabble.
71. Wide Receivers—overweight ushers waddling down the aisle to receive the morning offering.
2. Bench Warmer—an inactive church member.
3. Blocking—standing in the church door complaining to the pastor about his morning sermon.
4. Cheerleaders—ladies complimenting the preacher on the sermon.
5. Clipping—what the church historian is always doing.
6. Commissioner—the person in charge of selling headbands during the annual bazaar.
7. Commissioner—the presiding bishop who may know more about football than he does "bishopping"
8. Cornerbacks—those who occupy the back pews.
9. Dead Heat—lukewarm church member waking up in the middle of a dynamic, colorful sermon on hell.
10. Draft Choice—decision to sit close to a heating vent in winter or an air conditioning vent in summer.
11. Draft Choice—beverage of your choice. (contributed by Lorne Boatman of Decatur, IL.)
12. Draw Play—what restless children do during a long sermon.
13. End Around—diaper changing time in the nursery.
14. End Run—a child who successfully escapes both parents and ushers on his way out of church.
15. End Zone—the pews.
16. Extra Point—what you receive when you tell the preacher the sermon was too short.
17. Face Mask—smiling and saying everything is fine when it isn't.
18. Fair Catch—holding the offering plate in front of each member until money is placed in it.
19. Fan Response—saying "Amen" to the sermon.
20. Field Goal—when Sunday School and worship attendance is above average.
21. Final Gun—the benediction.
22. Forward Motion—the invitation at an evangelistic service.
23. Fullback—what the choir, seated behind the preacher, sees while the sermon is delivered.
24. Fumble—a lousy sermon.
25. Ground Crew—custodians.
26. Guards—those who guard and defend the standards of the church because they cannot live up to them.
27. Halfback—what the choir sees if it is seated beside the preacher.
28. Halftime Entertainment—beautiful music presented during the offering.
29. Hash Marks—stains left on the tablecloth after a potluck.
30. Head Coach—the pastor.
31. Head Linesman—the one who changes the overhead projector transparencies.
32. Holding Penalty—result of church members who believe nothing can be done about anything.
33. Huddle—weekly meeting of the church gossip team.
34. Illegal Motion—leaving before the benediction.
35. Illegal Use of Hands—clapping at an inappropriate point in the service.
36. Incomplete Pass—a dropped offering plate.
37. In The Pocket—where too many church members keep God's tithe and their offerings.
38. Interference—talking during the prelude.
39. Interference—whispering and talking during the sermon.
40. Linebacker—a statistic used by a preacher to support a point just made.
41. Linebackers—church members who can stop any forward progress.
42. Linebackers—members who wait in line to back everything the official board does not approve.
43. National Anthem—the choir and congregation doing their best singing "Amazing Grace."
44. Nose Guard—a nursery worker during the flu season.
45. Pass Interference—what Mama does with her eyes when she sees Johnny writing a note to his friends in church.
46. Passing Game—what the ushers do with offering plates on Sunday morning.
47. Passing Game—the maneuver required of latecomers when the person sitting at the end of the pew won't slide to the middle.
48. Penalty—what the church gets when its members stay home.
49. Pep Talk—a poor excuse for a good sermon.
50. Pep Talk—the pastor exhorting the church.
51. Place Kicker—kicking in the right place at the right time.
52. Punt—what the pastor does when nothing else seems to work.
53. Quarterback—what tightwads want after putting fifty cents in the offering.
54. Quarterback—what members, who believe religion is free, want after putting 50 cents in the offering.
55. Quarterback Sack—the bag in which the ushers place the morning offering.
56. Quarterback Sneak—Sunday School teacher entering the building five minutes after Sunday School begins.
57. Referee—a nursery worker presiding over differences of opinion as to who was playing with the doll first.
58. Running Backs—those who make repeated trips to the rest room.
59. Running Backs—those who run out and back in several times during a worship service.
60. Safety—when the offering reaches budget level.
61. Scalping Tickets—people trying to buy their way into the kingdom of God.
62. Super Bowl Champion—a church doing the will of God.
63. Super Bowl Shuffle—the choir at its best on Super Bowl Sunday.
64. Tackle—when an alert usher does when a child is sneaking out of the service.
65. Three Point Stance—being present, on time, with your Bible in hand.
66. Through the Uprights—getting things done via the elders or church board.
67. Touchback—the laying on of hands.
68. Touchdown—when attendance and giving records are broken.
69. Two Minute Warning—the Chairman of the Board sitting on a front row pew, taking a look at his watch in full view of the preacher.
70. Umpire—an elder who presides over a church squabble.
71. Wide Receivers—overweight ushers waddling down the aisle to receive the morning offering.
Point to Ponder
If you took any of the above
personally, please know that was not my intention;
But I do wonder why we cheer
more enthusiastically, emotionally and loudly
for our favorite football team than we do for Jehovah Jireh or El Shaddai?
for our favorite football team than we do for Jehovah Jireh or El Shaddai?
Simchat (Enjoy)
Yosef a.k.a. Joe Brusherd January
28, 2014
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