Hebraic Musing - Can Grieving be a Good Thing?
I was
puzzled after March 10th, 2012, when my wife left me for the Perfect
Husband, Jesus Christ. Traditional
teachings say I should have gone through
five to ten stages of a grieving process. So why is it that I was not devastated by this
most major loss? Many Christians think
the Bible says “Grieve Not” in 1 Thess.4:13; but the whole verse is – “But we do not want you to be uninformed,
brethren, about those who are asleep, so that you will not grieve as do the
rest who have no hope.” NIV
A
dear friend1 sent me the book “Good Grief ” by Granger Westberg;
and after reading it, I am now surprisingly convinced that grieving can be a
good thing. The author states that as a
result of good grieving “we come out of our grief experience at a higher level
of maturity than before.” I’m amazed at the
result, a higher level of maturity.
Let
me share some of my very personal reactions to each of the author’s ten stages
of grief:
Stage
1. State
of Shock – No shock experienced because, graciously, I and the family of
six children, their spouses & umpteen grandkids could see it coming for six
years.
Stage
2. Expressing
Emotion – I am a man and I have cried and still cry. Why not – I do
miss her.
Stage
3. Feeling
Depressed and Lonely – I’m not alone. I have a lot of dear friends and
family ‘just being there’.
Stage
4. Experiencing
Physical Symptoms of Distress – Avoiding debilitating distress by
accepting that things will have to change; and not wallowing in depression or
disappointment.
Stage
5. Becoming
Panicky – Fear of the unknown will cause panic, but I know where she
is. However, I am uneasy as it becomes
obvious that my future will be different, and I don’t know what that is yet.
Stage
6. Sense
of Guilt – Were there things I should have done differently? Maybe, but introspection says we did what we
lovingly thought best. An interesting
example of guilt – my father died suddenly one evening and my mother regretted
for years that the last meal she gave him was only a bowl of chili. She’s forgiven! (And Dad loved chili.)
Stage
7. Anger
and Resentment – Typically the reaction is “why did this have to happen
to me?” I am comforted in my faith that
God is sovereign, so I can and will leave this event in His hands.
Stage
8. Resisting
Returning – People try to help by not mentioning PeggyMom for fear of
stirring up the grief cycle, but actually it is healthy to acknowledge the
quirks and uniqueness that made her special. Comments about her help keep her memory alive
and lovingly show a shared burden.
Stage
9. Hope
Comes Through – With family around, I am finding that other experiences
and relationships in life are still very meaningful. After all, Jesus tells Christians to look
forward and not backward.
Stage
10. Struggling
to Affirm Reality – Over the years, the many losses we survive and the
challenges we experience mold us into a different person. Losing Peggy (and losing our 10 month old Cathy
in 1969) and being with loved ones suffering losses has molded me into a
different person. My faith in the
sovereignty of Almighty God has grown with each tragedy.
Yet
it is now clear that the best is yet to come. The future is still exciting,
although unknown.
Point
to Ponder
We
all suffer many losses in life,
so how can we let grieving strengthen us instead of debilitating us?
Shalom
Aleichem
Yosef a.k.a. Joe
Brusherd May 16, 2023
Author: “Hebraic Insights – Messages
exploring the Hebrew roots of our faith”
“Biblical Marriage (by Yosef)”
Weekly “Hebraic Musings” insightsbyyosef.blogspot.com
1 Shortly after the “good friend” sent the book
to me, she became my wife, Irene. She
had also been through the grieving process similar to my experience with my
wife’s declining health. Irene and I
always have copies of the book “Good Grief ” by Granger Westberg
available to give to those we meet who are grieving over a loss.
(This musing was originally written/published
exactly four months after March 10, 2012)
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